Hope and Assurance

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose.”
–Proverbs 18:21,
The Message

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

There is so much arguing and yelling going on in my marriage and nothing gets better. I feel hopeless and think it would be better for the kids and I to be away from the constant bickering. Don’t you think its best to get out of a bad situation?

You are definitely in a tough place and I can understand how getting out of this situation could sound so good and even give you hope of things being better for you and your children.

A 25 year landmark longitudinal study of the effects of divorce on children is the subject matter of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee. The authors have found two faulty beliefs surrounding divorce and children that serve as the foundation for our society’s attitude of favoring easy divorces. The first one says that if parents are happier because of the divorce, the children will be happier, too. The second myth is based on the idea that divorce’s stress and trauma is only temporary if you keep the actual breakup and visitation arrangements low key for the kids. This book is definitely worth reading. All the information has been compiled through 25 years of listening to and observing the same one hundred plus children of divorced parents. These children are now in their forties and have had much to say through the years concerning these two myths that serve to benefit only the adults.

Good marriages do have problems and conflict in a marriage (or any relationship) does not have to be destructive. Being willing to work through a problem, no matter how difficult, demonstrates deep love and commitment. It is only through this determination to work it out, no matter what, that we can appreciate our differences and see our mistakes and shortcomings and resolve to change our attitudes and behaviors.

I had no idea how my behavior was contributing to the problems in one of my most precious relationships. For years I was convinced I could not be the problem. When someone yelled or got upset, I thought I was deescalating the argument, turning the other cheek, returning wrath with a soft word by walking away or not having much at all to say, acting disinterested, or focusing on someone or something else during the conflict, and trying to just agree with most things that were said. Come to find out, I was not deescalating anything; I was escalating the problem and perpetuating it. I was taking these Biblical truths and using them in every situation and with every person. This was about my comfort and what was familiar to me rather than caring enough to be willing to do what is best for the individual at the time.
A friend explained it this way. When I would do the things I did, I was giving the message that what the person was terribly upset about was not worth being upset over. I was minimizing their hurt and devaluing their feelings and worth. What was so very important to them, I was treating as insignificant. When I am willing to get involved in the discussion and maybe even yell back, I am saying this is important to me because it is important to you and I am willing to get upset over it (or whatever it may take) in order to work it out with you. Love and commitment are not passive. They care enough to be actively engaged even during a conflict.

What I am suggesting by this personal example is that conflict in a relationship is not the problem. It is the messages we are giving by the way we disagree and fight. Do we bring up things from the past rather than sticking to the issue at hand? Do we personally attack the person rather than seek to understand? Is our goal to win as an individual or to win as a team working together for the good of the team? Do we truly listen to understand and reach a resolution or is our goal to listen just enough to be able to timely interrupt and make our own point? Do we listen with our eyes and our whole body or do we disengage by focusing our eyes elsewhere or leaving the room or pouting and giving the silent treatment?

Dr. Frank B. Minirth of the Minirth Clinic, contends that the lack of conflict resolution is the number one cause of emotional problems. Find someone who can help
support you emotionally as you learn and practice the skills of healthy conflict resolution. My personal belief is that one person can make the difference in a relationship. That person must be dependent on God to change what they cannot change and be actively open to receive help, guidance, wisdom and correction when God provides it. Their purpose and goal is the eternal good of the other person for love’s agenda seeks the wholeness of the other person.

Take the high road. Learn the skills necessary to get through these problems and not out of them. This determined demonstration of your love and commitment will cover and carry your children throughout their life time with an inner security and sense of worth that provides an enabling strength that children of divorce, at their best, can only envy or know in part, through years of personal struggle and inner turmoil.

Know that God is going before you preparing the way by opening doors and softening hearts, walking beside you in every situation that your day may bring, staying close behind you bringing good out of the mistakes of the past and looking down from above as He covers you with blessings, grace and mercy.