“Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.”
– Dinah Shore

“You have seen me tossing and turning through the night. You have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle! You have recorded every one in your book. This one thing I know: God is for me!”
-David from Psalm 56:8,9

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

My sister-in-law recently started taking medication for depression and it seems to be helping. I've never been depressed so I don't know how she feels or what to do to help her. Can you give me some ideas?

Depression usually involves a loss of some kind. It may be a person, a relationship, a dream, a belief, a job, one's self-esteem, health or reputation. Depression is a process of letting go of what has been lost. Letting go does not come easily and can involve much anger because something or someone is ending that we may feel we have no control over.

Be ready to allow your sister-in-law to express her anger without guilt and judgement. Anger is a completely normal emotion; it only becomes a problem when it is denied or expressed in a way that is meant to hurt others. Support her, encourage her, have empathy for her situation, as much as possible assume the best, and love her unconditionally. Point her to God and His Word for her answers and hope. Praying with her expresses a powerful act of love and faith.

Because 90% of depression comes from anger that has not been expressed and is turned inward against oneself, it may benefit your sister-in-law to learn how to express her frustrations assertively. To be assertive is to be able to say what we need, what we feel, and what we want in respectful, non-controlling, but firm statements. (This was taken from the Happiness is a Choice video series by Frank Minirth and Paul Meier.) By clarifying our feelings for others, our irritations are communicated clearly and we find potential problem situations are defused. The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., helped me to see my role and responsibility in doing something constructive about my anger in relationships.

At some point, most of us will decide to go on in the best way we know how even though we did not get what we wanted and life does not feel fair. We will determine to make something good out of what we have left, even though life is hard and sometimes disappointing.

It isn't necessary to have answers for her. More than anything, she needs someone to listen and care. She needs to know she is still valued, special, and loved; and that you believe in her.

Sometimes, a depressed person can benefit greatly by having something to take care of and talk to like a dog, cat or bird. A pet can be the reason to get up in the morning or the reason to get out of the house. Pets never tire of listening to our stories and being close to us.

Rediscovering a talent for painting, pottery, or writing, or a love for gardening, horses, or sculpture can be the creative expression that gets the sadness out and replaces it with newfound meaning and joy. If your sister-in-law is interested in journaling as “a way to say what she can't say”, she might find www.christiansurvivors.com/journaling.html and www.journalkeeping.org helpful. Writing became the way that I finally got my feelings out and expressed. For me, it is sometimes easier to write than talk about hurtful situations.

Volunteering our time for the less fortunate and to those worthy organizations that need help can be the way we find our value and self-love again. One of the best things I did to help myself was to volunteer at the local revenue office. I took pictures for driver's licenses and made little number cards from cardboard. Those ladies made me feel so needed and appreciated. Many times, we are able to find ourselves again by first giving ourselves away to others.

One way I began reconnecting to my children after my depression was by doing easy stress-free arts and crafts activities together. I still keep those crafts out as a visual reminder of where I have been and how God has given me my life and children back. www.familyfun.com is a great place to find inexpensive and easy ideas. A friend of mine sometimes has a puzzle laid out for family and friends to work on when ever they have a notion to do so. This creates an opportunity to talk in a very low key environment. It can be easier to say hard things and answer honestly when everyone is busy looking and the focus is on the puzzle and not you.

For several years, I did not play any board or card games. The idea of competition and having to do my best created stress for me and that was the last thing I needed. Your sister-in-law probably feels the same way about stress right now. The body and mind need rest and sleep to heal and quiet to meditate and draw close to God.

Thinking of others who need encouragement and are hurting can be a help in taking our mind off ourselves. I always found it easy to get out of bed when I was depressed if I knew someone needed me. www.dayspring.com/ecards and www.christianitytoday.com/ecards offer free e-cards that you can send to anyone who has email. It's a wonderful way to remember others without buying a stamp or using gas.

As you can see, there is much you can do to help without experiencing depression first hand. It is because of caring people like you that depressed people can begin again. God bless you!