“But I predict that just when you see with horror that in spite of all your efforts you are getting further from your goal instead of nearer to it – at that very moment I predict that you will reach it and behold clearly the miraculous power of the Lord Who has been all the time loving and mysteriously guiding you.”
– Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

I thought that I had grown and improved in certain areas of my life only to feel later that I'm not “moving on” and I have to deal with some of the problems again. Would you address this, please?

One of the most important challenges for a special education teacher is to make sure newly learned skills generalize to different environments other than the classroom. A newly acquired concept is not considered mastered until the student can use the skill successfully in two or more different situations with different people.

This same logic applies to the changes we make in our personal lives. Every situation we encounter comes with unique individuals and circumstances. Old, common problems can be so cleverly disguised as to be unrecognizable in an unfamiliar place and time because our experiences are so limited with our new found knowledge. We need lots of practice in lots of situations and with lots of different people to become skillful in our new craft. Similar situations usually do not happen one after the other in orderly succession but may have lengthy time lapses between them which cause us to be caught off guard and automatically revert to old behavior.

When we know we will encounter a situation with the potential to entrap us, review what has worked in the past and refresh yourself on what you want to remember to do or say that will help you be successful.

When we feel we have to deal with the same problems again, it may be nothing more than needing more practice to become proficient. If we know what tripped us up, we have discovered our best teacher for the next time. No doubt about it, we learn the most from our mistakes.

Sometimes we may notice we've been down this same road so many times with this person that we are reminded of traveling on a dirt road with deep ruts. It can be easier just to stay in the ruts and not have to make the extra effort to do something different especially if we believe nothing is ever going to really change.

Remember, it only takes one person in a relationship or family to create positive change. When one member determines to begin doing things in a different and better way, all the others somehow begin adjusting their behavior, too. In essence, the rules have been changed and what used to work no longer works. Expect and be prepared for resistance for it is the very beginning of change. Resistance is testing to determine your seriousness for no one really wants to change unless they feel it truly is for their own benefit. Try to see resistance as opportunities to show the person this new behavior can work to their personal advantage and good.

Also, change does not mean we just stop one behavior and begin another. There are many little steps in between. Lavish praise on each one. Each small forward movement is responsible for taking us to our goal. Consider with thanksgiving how far you have come already. Remember where you were all that not long ago. Envision where you'll be someday and hold it in your memory as a picture or write it down so it becomes fixed and focused in your mind.

To unlearn something you may have done for years and years and perhaps had modeled to you growing up is much harder than simply learning something new.

Therefore, be gentle and forgiving with yourself. Choose to be your own best friend and speak to yourself with all the kindness you would show your dearest friend. Have compassion on your weaknesses and shortcomings. They were most likely learned to protect yourself from further hurt and to survive the best way you knew how at the time. Even God remembers we are made of dust and understands our frame. (Psalm 103:14) How is it that our expectations of our self can sometimes become greater than God's?

God is sheer mercy and grace;
not easily angered, he's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,
nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
God feels for those who fear him…
God's love, though, is ever and always,
eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
as they follow his Covenant ways
and remember to do whatever he said.

Psalm 103:8-14;17,18 The Message Bible