“One pardons to the degree that one loves.”
– La Rochefoucauld

“For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.”
– Philippians 4:13

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

Sometimes I feel like no one has forgiven me for what I did many years ago. I know I have not forgiven myself.

Consider this scenario. You and your best friend get together every evening and your friend calls you at least once a day. Whenever the two of you talk, your friend only speaks about the time, many years ago, when you messed up pretty bad. She tells you how stupid you were and still are for doing what you did. She suggests that no one can really love you or forgive you because it was so bad and she wants to rehash all the details so she can remind you of what any half-wit would have done in your situation. She also never misses an opportunity to slip in remarks about your figure, your clothes, or just about anything that would cause you to doubt and hate yourself.

Right about now, you might be saying, “What kind of best friend is this? No one would keep listening to someone who only speaks negatively to them day after day. I would stop inviting them over and wouldn't talk to them when they called.”

Oh, but we do keep letting our friend spend time with us and we listen whenever they call. For whatever reason, we have let our best friend turn into our worst enemy and we do nothing about it. We believe most every word our best friend says and most times never even try to challenge a derogatory remark. We let our best friend say whatever he or she pleases, no different than a spoiled child who has had no discipline.

We are, by God's design and purpose, called to be our own best friend. “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.” (Matthew 7:12) It is assumed in this directive that we will treat others with the same respect, compassion, and love that we give to ourselves. It is the foundation of active goodness and mercy.

What does this kind of love originate from? What causes it to emerge? Only through an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus Christ can we understand His great love for us. It enables us to love ourselves and others without any stipulations or requirements.

Each of us can choose to learn to confront our inner negative talk.

When you feel stuck in a negative thought such as, “I cannot forgive myself” or “I am completely worthless”, you may want to consider this with utmost honesty and God's help: Ask yourself how this belief makes you feel. List all the ways it affects you physically, mentally (emotionally), and spiritually. Then, ask yourself this question: If I did choose to forgive myself (or do whatever else you may be considering), what changes could I expect to see in myself? Again, consider the physical, mental and spiritual aspects. The last question to consider is this: Are there any advantages to me to continue believing this negative thought that may be contributing to feeling stuck?

If you are feeling unloved or neglected for whatever reason, tell the person(s) involved how you feel and what you need from them. Many times, our family or friends have no idea how we really feel or what we are needing. We may be giving the impression that all is well and that we are handling everything without much difficulty. Be active in seeking ways to spend time with your loved ones even if it is not in the ways you desire. When they see you are fun and uplifting to be around, they may seek you out more often. If they cannot or will not give you what you need after repeated requests and opportunities, then get your needs met in a legitimate way by someone else who does care. We do not have to be at the mercy of our circumstances or a victim of our moods. We can find a way to help ourselves – if we want to be helped.

We are our own responsibility. We can take action to make things different. We can choose to give ourselves the kindest and most loving gift possible – the gift of tenderly caring for ourselves as our own best devoted friend.