“When we listen as if we were in a temple and give attention to one another as if each person were our teacher, honoring his or her words as valuable and sacred, all kinds of great possibilities awaken. Even miracles can happen.”
“Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.” Past Questions of the Month:
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Hope and AssuranceThis website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance. Question of the MonthIf you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com What one thing do you suggest I work on to improve my overall mental health? I would suggest improving your communication skills. Our verbal expressions impact the quality of our relationships in our home, work, extended family and friends. It is through our understanding of the words said to us that we create a self-fulfilling image of ourselves. The words we say to others are echoes of how we perceive ourselves and believe we deserve to be treated. Our experiences reflect these inner explanations of our verbal exchanges. It seems every area of my life has benefited from pursuing more effective communication. The highest purpose of communication between people is to understand. It is not to be right, not to be in control and not to get what we want. Love seeks to understand so that we may know how to best meet the needs of others. When our needs are met, we have the freedom to grow and reach out. Jumping to conclusions and assuming that we know invites a mistaken response and undermines effective verbal interaction. Interrupting someone's verbal thoughts or finishing their sentences for them may indicate impatience and self-absorption rather than a desire to grasp the meaning of the conversation. Listening is an action word that requires effort and demonstrates love. Learning to listen actively involves making sustained eye contact, leaning the body in toward the person to show interest, checking your understanding by asking questions or restating what has already been said and showing empathy by validating the speaker's feelings and emotions. When I started going to counseling, the therapist made notes of what I said. I was amazed. I could not believe anyone could be interested in what I had to say. No one had ever considered my thoughts and feelings important. I felt valued and respected because she cared about what I had to say. To be understood and trusted by others, our dialogue must be honest, open and clear. Does that mean other's feelings are ignored and unimportant? Kindness, compassion and gentleness of speech are the hallmarks of a Godly love that protects, believes, hopes and perseveres. For me, the desire to communicate effectively and understand others has involved a letting go of self. My desires, beliefs, perceptions and eagerness to fix problems my way needed to be removed so that I could hear the needs, fears, longings, hurts, regrets, hopes, joys and dreams of someone else. I could not get in the way. It was no longer about what I thought. I was not important, only them. The most unexpected thing happened. When I had nothing but the longing to give love and help, I was able to receive. Being changed by God's total acceptance enabled me to give the same in a way I never thought possible. Experiencing God's perfect love personally overcomes what seeks to render us ineffective or useless and destroy us. For decades, I believed the problem in our relationship was them. If only they would…If only they had…They never gave me…They don't have a clue about…If only they understood my…Will they ever…Why won't they…Can't they see my… It was me the whole time. I was the one who could not receive. I wanted them to give what I needed the way I thought it should be given or it wasn't any good.. When I gave God permission to strip me of all that was hindering our relationship, and asked Him to help me be quiet and just listen so that I could understand, I found the love I had never known. It had been there all the time. It had been twisted and contorted by confusion, failure to explain, never asking for clarification, taking for granted, and assuming the worst. It was me that could not see it or receive it. My perceptions, beliefs, and experiences did not allow me to see the truth. I could only see what I believed to be true. With God's divine help and for the sake of love, learn to speak openly and clearly and strive for understanding by listening with your ears, eyes, and heart. When we come to understand our adversary, we come to understand our self; and with understanding comes compassion and love.
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