“Love is the reward of love.”
– Schiller

“Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.”
– Romans 12:21

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

A person I care about is angry, critical, and doesn't trust. I try to help but I get hurt and frustrated. Everything I say seems to only make matters worse. Do you have any suggestions?

My new granddaughter of seven weeks came into this world most unhappy. Nothing pleased her. She seemed to dislike everything. She screamed when riding in a car, taking a bath, changing her diaper, and lying in her bassinet. The only thing that brought her contentment was to be held close and rocked and that wasn't guaranteed.

There was a reason for her disagreeableness. She wasn't just the difficult baby you get after your first baby was easy. She was in pain. She hurt. It took close observation to figure out her allergies but now she smiles and coos and even sleeps away from our arms. And it took her Mother's sacrificial love to continue nursing despite numerous obstacles and give up foods she loved so that her daughter could thrive in comfort.

There are reasons the person you care about is angry, critical and distrustful. She's not just a mean, ornery and difficult person you happen to be stuck with. He is in pain. He hurts. Something is wrong somewhere. Every behavior is a response to some physical, mental or emotional experience. And love is the answer.

Love listens to understand. Love listens attentively and observes closely. Love doesn't assume; it asks questions to clarify. It does not listen to fix, to lecture, to change, to be critical, to say I told you so, to give advice, to control, to threaten, to instill fear, to expose wrong, or to get personal needs met. Love listens because love respects, values and gives of itself.

Love assumes the best and speaks it. By assuming the best, we lift sagging spirits up by believing in them. We encourage the desire to do better because we see them for who they can become by taking for granted their intentions are honorable. Assuming the best can create hope and motivation where there was none before.

Offering compassion and empathy helps us forgive ourselves and others. Giving the opposite of what one deserves and expects gets one's rapt attention.

Look for and praise what is right verbally and in writing. Applaud it sincerely and honestly. Make it worth the effort to change by the unexpected good that is received. Then in private, pray and keep on praying about your concerns and the obvious problems.

God is the only One capable of changing and fixing someone. He sees the deepest darkest problems clearly. He understands their origin and knows how to unravel them. Depend on Him for guidance, the words to say and not say, what to do and not do. Love's words and actions are not predictable habits. They are purposeful and prayerfully thought out. God knows what each person needs to hear to be able to let go of ingrained perceptions and what they need to see to trust what they've never known before. When you feel God has let you know what is needed, don't let pride or stubbornness stop you from doing it.

God will give opportunities for you to speak the truth. When this happens, communicate with the utmost kindness and gentleness in order to help and not hurt. Sometimes relating an incident in your own life can lead someone to understand the truth without sounding preachy or bossy.

God can help strip us of self. Self spouts off and regrets it, takes everything personal, jumps to conclusions, throws its hands up in frustration, gives up because its hard, assumes the worst, wants changes now, and expects too much too soon. Self blocks growth and change. Confess every way you fail to God and ask for His help. The more we acknowledge our inadequacy, the more He can give us from His complete adequacy. This is a continual, on-going process. As self becomes less important, we may realize our own lack of maturity and need to be transformed.

Love is about the other person. Love no longer says me first. Love knows all we are comes from our intimate and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Love is entirely dependent on God to exist because He is Love. Because it is needful and necessary to love our self first and foremost, loving others does not come naturally. It is divine to seek and keep on seeking the good of others. Love is never given in vain. It will come back to us in a myriad of unexpected and joyous ways.