“For everything you have missed you have gained something else.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“...we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”
– The Message Bible

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

The question this month comes from my own struggles with disappointment in some family members' attitudes toward accepting people in their homes during this Christmas season that no one knew. What do I do with all this hurt and anger?

It seems my expectations of others become unusually high during the Christmas season. I am lulled into expecting the spirit of love, acceptance and giving to magically turn normally difficult people into ideally sweet and compassionate souls.

And boom! Reality hits hard and I am reminded that certain things have not changed. Attitudes are no different than before the holidays began.

Somehow the hurt seems to cut a little deeper in December. But I'm left asking the same old question…”What do I do this time with the unmet needs and the hurt feelings, and yes, the anger?”

I know I have choices. I wasn't allowed to bring people home with me for the holidays because no one knew anything about them, so how long will I spend being mad at family members who seem guided by fear and only love and accept when all their conditions are met? And how long will I hold on to the hurt of not feeling trusted and believed in? It is entirely up to me. It does feel good to rehearse every thing in my mind again and again and tally up all the reasons I am right for being mad. There's much enjoyment in creating all these snappy comebacks to straighten their thinking out and fix them once and for all.

And then God's small voice reminds me that maybe I don't know everything like I think I do. Could their remarks have been more about them and their situation and not so much about me? I really haven't thought too much about trying to see things through their eyes. Could some of the things I said given them the wrong impression and led them to their conclusions? Sometimes I don't explain things real well but expect them to know what I mean. And am I really so much better than they? Haven't I been negative before and jumped to conclusions based solely on fear? Don't I struggle hard in my own areas of weakness and fail quite often even after I say, “I'll never do that again!”?

A lot of energy has been exerted and precious vacation time spent being upset, angry, and preoccupied with my thoughts. I've been too physically tired to accomplish much and pretty unhappy. The direct connection between the physical and the emotional shouldn't surprise me like it does.

Again, I find saying on paper what I cannot say out loud is how I am able to let go of the anger and hurt. I do my yelling on paper. I say all the nasty stuff word for word without stopping for a breath on paper. I hold nothing back. I let it all out. Every bit of it. And when I'm done, I can go to sleep without lying awake for hours thinking. I can go about my day without being preoccupied because I got it all said and all out of me. In a few days, I'll be ready to toss the paper in the trash with all the other stuff I have no need for anymore.

I am free of the poison of anger that when left unexpressed grows deeper and darker into bitterness, resentment and revenge. When we hold onto our anger, we look for reasons to prove we are right. Our perspective shifts and we see and hear hurt and wrongdoing in places and people that others cannot understand. We feed a raging fire with lies and half truths, that if left unexamined and unchallenged, may devour us and others, too.

I have two beautiful granddaughters now and two precious children. They are learning from me when I don't even know they are listening and watching. I want my example to teach positive and loving ways of working through disappointments, hurts and imperfect people.

I want to be an asset and not a hindrance in their understanding of the benefits of Christ-like behavior. I want them to feel my love and acceptance wooing them to feel secure enough to trust me with their faults and shortcomings and my faith in them giving them the strength to change. I want them to see how criticism and harshness encourages one to shut down, become defensive and blame others, rather than endure the pain of rejection and scorn, yet again.

I cannot allow other's words or actions to turn all my attention to my poor self while I miss the fun, laughter, and joy all around me.

I am in control of how I spend my time, the thoughts I think and which feelings I allow to shape my perspective on situations. No one else has the power to direct them, only I am their master.

It is a hard lesson and one that I am relearning again. I want to be too busy reveling in the exciting discoveries of this new life of love God has created within me to ever be bound up in the chains of anger, guilt, regret, unforgiveness, or bitterness by my own hands again. God, save me from myself!

P.S. Even though my Christmas plans did not go my way, they were filled with rich blessings. I have to say that I am glad things turned out the way they did. God gave me some very sweet memories and delightful surprises.