"We look at our burdens and heavy loads and shrink from them; but as we lift them and bind them about our hearts, they become wings; and on them we rise and soar toward God."
– Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

"He found them in a desert land, in an empty howling wasteland. He surrounded them and watched over them; He guarded them as His most precious possession."
– Deuteronomy 32:10

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

What do you do when your adult child keeps repeating the same mistakes and blames it all on someone else? My heart is being ripped apart.

There is nothing more painful than when our child is in need and we cannot help, especially when we feel we could make a difference. I cry with you; for I know the awful pain you speak of and the long years of waiting that are many times required.

Let this be your invitation to rest in your Father’s arms and entrust your precious one to His safe keeping. We cannot see the future and may not understand the present and certainly cannot relive yesterday, but we can begin anew by trusting the One Who can handle it all; for nothing is too hard for Him.

You do not have the power to change your child or the situation.  You cannot fix her and you are not his answer. If you could have made a difference, it would have already happened a long time ago.

Your child has made his own choices again and again. She has made the decisions that have taken her to where she is now.  He is the one who must choose to do something different.  She must decide what she is doing is not working for her good.

Allowing your son to experience all the natural consequences of his behavior can be the most loving action you can take. Letting your daughter walk her own road, searching for answers in her unique approach, may be the quickest way for your desires for her to be realized.

Pain and suffering can be the greatest teachers and the most powerful motivators for change. If we get miserable enough, we will seek change. If others enable us to escape some of the pain and suffering by rescuing us when we are hurting, we may stay where we are indefinitely and continue to expect others to get us out of trouble. We will have missed the required lessons from personal experience that teach there is a consequence for everything we do. Some consequences are positive and good; others are uncomfortable and hurt. We must decide which consequences we prefer; for ultimately, we control our choices.

Please remember, God is still in control of your child’s life. He yearns to give her His very best. He waits patiently for him to turn to His Heavenly Father for help and guidance. Continue to point your son or daughter to the One Who loves them best even as He knows every detail about them, from beginning to end.  He’s the only One Who sees their heart and understands it’s deep needs and hurts. Allow your faithful Friend to woo your beloved one back as only He can. Determine not to get in God’s way so He can work out His good unhindered.

Sometimes, my best words and well-intentioned actions have only brought about more confrontation and conflict. A dear friend reminded me that this is not of God.  She explained  that because my child was not ready – had not been brought to the point to hear the truth – I only made the mess bigger. She further instructed to let God have His way; for His timing is everything.  It is perfect without fail.

Cultivating the art of listening without giving advice or correction, may help someone who fears rejection, to risk sharing. Allowing them to share what and when they are ready, communicates deep respect. Even though we may not agree with choices that were made, we can express understanding and compassion for the difficulty of the situation and the universal inability of anyone to be perfect.  Sometimes, simple silence weighs heaviest on the heart. 

Do you hear what your child says she needs from you?  Try to give him what he is asking for so your efforts are more effective.

If a story from your past comes to mind that shows you really are no different, that you too have struggled in a similar way, share it openly and honestly.  This will help destroy the lie that sneers, “You are worse than anyone else and no one else is like you. No one will ever understand or love you.”  That one untruth makes us afraid to share and unwilling to be honest.

Pray constantly and fervently for your child and endeavor to live your life to please God. In this way, you will be a living model of your dearest aspirations for your child’s life. Our highest hopes and deepest assurances are found in a personal and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. As my friend says, ask  Him to use you in your child’s life, if possible, and to show you how and when. Let His words be on your lips to say, not your own. This is a walk with God, on behalf of your child, that is step by step and moment by moment.