“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned.”
–Buddha

“Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger.”
–James 1:19

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

I am very angry and not able to let go of it.  I knowingly hurt the person I’m mad at by things I say and do. How can I help myself?

It is encouraging to hear your honesty and the desire to help yourself.  Only when honesty is present can growth and change occur.

Anger is a powerful emotion that has the potential for good or harm.  Some people have been motivated by anger to find purpose and meaning after a tragedy.  For others, anger has destroyed their ability to find happiness and their relationships with the people who loved them.

We can become angry after we feel hurt, frustrated or fearful.  How we choose to handle our anger can affect us emotionally, physically, socially and spiritually.

We may try to bury our anger by denying it but we bury it alive. Hurtful remarks that are unnecessary and come out of “nowhere” or seem out of proportion to the offense comes from the buried anger that is continually smouldering. Frank Minirth, M.D. and Paul Meier, M.D. believe anger that remains unexpressed and held inside accounts for most depressive episodes. Unresolved anger that we may not even be aware of is considered by author and marriage counselor, Gary Smalley, to be the number one cause of divorce.

Anger takes a toll on our physical body as our muscles and organs twist, tighten and knot up as they attempt day after day to contain this force and pressure that threatens to explode under stress and tension. We may feel the resulting pain in our neck, shoulders, back, stomach or knees. How can we let the steam escape slowly and safely without harming anyone?

Admit your anger to someone you trust and to God.  Ask God to help you forgive and find love and compassion for this person. Forgiveness helps us and is for our good.  It allows us to heal and prosper. A friend who listens and understands enables us to get the poisonous problem out. We may see it from a new perspective and we can know that our anger is not unique or terrible but is common to every person on this earth. What is unique and uncommon is the man or woman who strives to express their fear, hurt or frustration clearly and honestly but with kindness and a desire to help and not hurt.

Learn to recognize how you are truly feeling and why. Focus in on yourself. Get in touch with what is going on inside of you. What is it that makes this situation so frustrating? Why do those words hurt so bad? Is fear disguising itself in demanding and controlling outbursts? When you make some sense of your feelings, give them words that talk about you, not the other person. “When I am cut off in mid-sentence, I feel that what I have to say is not valued or respected. I need you to let me finish talking before you begin.”  This is one way of expressing frustration honestly and firmly. It allows the pressure cooker inside of you to let off some steam in a way that honors you and the other person.

Another way is to write it all down. Get it all out on paper. Don’t hold anything back. Say every word that comes to mind and don’t change a thing. It can be just as good as saying it in person. You may be amazed how much it helps. You probably won’t want the person you were writing about to read it. You may just decide to throw it away after you reread it a few times. This can keep a relationship intact and allow you to vent your anger safely.

Seeking to understand our anger and learning to express it freely but kindly has the potential to keep us growing and changing throughout all of our life.

Keep on seeking, precious one!