 "How are we to be the mothers we want our daughters to have, if we are still sorting out who our own mothers are and what they mean to us?" "Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has freely forgiven you, so must you also forgive." Past Questions of the Month:
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Hope and AssuranceThis website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance. Question of the MonthIf you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com I finished reading your book and am wondering what your relationship with your Mother is like now. Will you see her on Mother’s Day? This weekend will be spent with my 86 year old Mother. It is where I want to be on Mother’s Day. It hasn’t always been this way as you understand from reading my book, Light of My Darkness. About 30 years of my life, I spent angry and unwilling to forgive my Mom. I was convinced I was right about everything and she was wrong. She seemed so different from me. Sometimes, I was ashamed of her. I resented her not being the person I thought she should be. Everything that hurt me in my childhood was reason to hate her because I believed she could have done something about it. This told me that she didn’t love me. If she loved me, I reasoned, she would have been the person I needed her to be. As I look back on those tumultuous years, I understand it was me who needed to change. No one, not me or my Mother, can change any one or know how to fully meet another person’s needs. I had to know that it was ok and good to be imperfect and human. What a relief to not have to measure up anymore and to experience the words “good enough” cutting loose a lot of heavy baggage. I had to learn to love me and see all that was right about me, even though I was this very fallible person. Then, I could do the same for my Mother. Even though I now saw my failings and shortcomings clearly, I forgave myself. I let it all go. I let the past only be my teacher and determined to live my best today because my future and the future of my children depended on it. I no longer expected myself or my Mother to be able to do things only God can do. My focus changed from looking for what was wrong to what was right. Instead of dwelling on my fears, my inadequacies and my failures, I saw my beauty, strength, courage and resilience. When I saw mine, I also saw my Mother’s. We can only give to others what we have. How do we get what we do not have? We allow our self to open and receive all that we need from God - our Perfect Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. We go back with Him to the hurt and pain and look at it through His eyes and heart. We let Him teach and heal us like no other for He delights in helping and giving. I know firsthand! You may find the book, Don’t Blame Mother - Mending the Mother-Daughter Relationship by Paula J. Caplan, Ph.D. helpful.
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