"Adversity, how blunt are all the arrows of thy quiver in comparison with those of guilt."
– Blair

"…he has brought you back as His friends.  He has done this through His death on the cross in His own human body.  As a result, He has brought you into the very presence of God, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before Him without a single fault."
– Colossians 1:22

Past Questions of the Month:

Hope and Assurance

This website was created for those acquainted with mental illness and in need of hope and assurance.

Question of the Month

If you have a question that you would like addressed, or have comments or suggestions, please let me hear from you. Contact: carolyn@hopeandassurance.com

Life is so hard with my son. I help him all the time. He can’t seem to get his life together.  Everyone suffers because of it – especially me because he doesn’t  appreciate me or what I do for him. What am I not doing right?

I am 62 years old.  Just this month, I have been able to set clear, strong personal boundaries with someone who consistently violated my self-esteem and my loving efforts.  I am the one who has been slow to learn and frequently backtrack.

I had to understand some things about myself.  I felt guilty for stuff that hurt this person.  The guilt was automatically taken on by me years ago.  I never stopped to consider that maybe it wasn’t valid or maybe I really wasn’t the only one at fault. And, do we really have to determine who was wrong and who was right or can we just say, “You know, parents are, for the most part, totally unprepared for the challenges of raising their children.  All they bring with them was learned from their parents.  Sometimes, that is pretty inadequate.  Most parents desire to be good parents and want to do wonderful things for their children.  But, life has a way of throwing situations at us that take us by surprise. We may have no life experiences to draw from or no one to advise us, so we do the very best we know how.”  Most parents do not set out to hurt their children; but rather, intend to love and nurture them in the best ways possible.

The reason I always kept taking the disrespect was because I thought I could prove my love for her by doing whatever she asked, whenever she asked.  Nothing changed.  My noblest actions cannot change anyone.  Change is something someone chooses to do.  My advice:  Get rid of the guilt.  It serves no good.  It prolongs our misery and prevents our beloved from dealing with the root of their unhappiness. God doesn’t see or remember our wrongdoings any more when we ask for His forgiveness. Why did I continue to pore over them day and night and try to right all the wrongs someone repeatedly brought up?

I thought I was capable of fixing the things of the past if I tried hard enough and never gave up. That sounds almost ridiculous to me now.  The past cannot be changed, fixed, or manipulated in any way.  The past is the past and always will be.  It can only be accepted and learned from.  God, in His unlimited power and abundant mercy, can and does bring good out of our mistakes and shortcomings when we acknowledge we’re incapable and ask for His help.

By taking care of myself and living the life God planned in love for me to live, I will give my beloved the freedom and the room required to make her own choices and find her own solutions.  I will be out of God’s way and no longer trying to do and fix things that only God can do.

I am my own responsibility.  I am not responsible for taking on or removing some else’s consequences. If I take away or do not give the consequences that are logical and natural for inappropriate behaviors, then my beloved cannot learn responsibility and self-control for her actions and feelings and will not know the exhilarating sense of self-respect and self-esteem.